HOW TO WRITE GOOD

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?

What Kind of Friend are YOU? The 13 Types on Facebook

When it comes to parties, I tend to arrive late. With Facebook, one of the centuries biggest parties, I made no exception. To be completely honest, I created an account many moons ago, but only to play Scrabble with a friend back East. He was my one and only friend. But when it came time a couple months ago to create the How Did You Know? fan page (have you joined yet?), I started spending quality time on Facebook, and eventually changed my fake Scrabble name to my real name, added a photo to my profile, and fleshed out some of the info.

So I’m a month into the party now, and I’m starting to see clear trends. Some friends fall into category A, while others B. What about you all? What kind of friend are you? Here’s the category breakdown (and drop a comment if you think I’ve missed any):
A) The Overzealous Updater

This is the friend who can’t go half a day without sharing What’s On His Mind. Honestly people. We really don’t need to know that you’ve just had your second shower of the day. For that matter, we didn’t need to hear about the first one either.
B) The Link-bot

This is the friend who does nothing but share links all day. Links to articles he’s read that he thinks the whole world should be reading, links to movie reviews, links to new games coming on the market, links to his Twitter page where he’s gone and posted 10 more links. There needs to be a limit. Some links are good, especially when they send people to this blog. But let’s impose a 2-link-max rule per day, what do you say?
C) The Groupie

This is the friend who has joined more groups than Marcia Brady did that one year in high school when she was overcommitted and frazzled. Asian Americans in Israel who Support Diplomacy with Iran? Really?
D) I Am My Kids

This is the friend who only uses Facebook to post photos of the little ones, or updates that read: “Tommy didn’t feel well today, so he stayed home from school.” Might as well not even have your own profile, just create one for the kid(s), no?
E) Spies (who used to) Like Us

This is the Ex who only friends you so s/he can spy on you and make sure you have fewer friends that s/he does, and that your new significant other is less attractive than s/he was.

F) The Wanna-Be

This is the person who friends someone with the great hope of becoming friends with that person in real life, be it a minor celeb, or just someone the Wanna-Be really admires from a slight distance.
G) The Two-facer

This is the friend who accepts your friend request just to be polite, but then Hides your updates immediately. Unfortunately, you have no idea who the two-facers are.
H) The Networker

This is the friend whose main purpose on Facebook is to build a list he can tap when he needs to for work/career. You know these friends because they only message you with e-mails that read “So you still over at Viacom?”
I) The OverPoker

No need to explain this one, right?
J) The Get-A-Lifer

This is the hardcore friend who has nothing better to do but subscribe and follow you via SMS.
K) The Attention Seeker*

This is the friend who posts status updates that are purposely vague, and therefore beg for a comment. Their status is all about getting you to respond, getting attention, getting sympathy. “Lori is scared, but hopes everything works out…” [*sent to me by my friend Dawn, who is definitely an M... see below]
L) The Over Suggester

Just stop. Okay? Let me figure out who I want to be friends with, okay? Honestly.
M) The Good Friend

This is the friend who mercifully doesn’t fit in any of the above categories and is, hopefully, just one of many normal, average facebookers you’ve friended. Let’s hear it for the Good Friend!

{Honorable mention: The Foodie — this is the friend who’s always posting updates with photos of plates of food}

{Favorite quote overheard when a friend of a Friend got a new Friend on FB — “Ah man, I’m now friends with my dad… Jesus.”}

Hillary Clintons Fb

Satans Fb

ELVIS PRESLEYS FB

Bill Gates Fb

STEVE JOBS FB

HITLERS FB

BARACK OBAMA FB

WORLD WAR II

Germany invades Czechoslovakia.
Britain & France tell them to stop that bullshit.
Germany invades Poland.
(Russia also invades Poland from the other side: everybody forgets this.)
Britain & France declare war. This is the 'official' kick-off.
Italy, Bulgaria, Hungary, & Romania all join the German side. (Everybody forgets the last three.)
Axis forces go through Europe like vindaloo through a colostomy.
Nazis exterminate Jews, gays, gypsies, & the disabled. (everybody remembers the jews but forgets the rest.)
UK holds out.
Russia & the USA don't do shit.
Entire divisions of Danish, Belgian, Dutch, Norwegian, French & Serbian volunteers join the Axis armies & SS. (everybody forgets this & to listen to them now, they were all in the fucking resistance, which must have been MASSIVE.)
Axis forces invade Russia. Suddenly the Russians don't think it's funny any more.
Japan joins the Axis & bombs Pearl Harbor.
Suddenly the US doesn't think it's funny any more.
The USA tools up the world, 'cause it's got more factories than everybody else put together, & they're out of bomber range.
Axis runs out of steam in Russia, cause Russia's enormous & bloody freezing.
Allies invade on D-Day... 5 landings: 2 British, 2 American, 1 Canadian. (everybody forgets the Canadians.)
Hitler ends up smouldering in a ditch. Russians find the body & confirm he only had one ball. Seriously.
The US decides invading stuff is a pain in the ass and invents the atom bomb instead. Drops two buckets 'o sunshine on Japan.
Russians steal half of Europe.
UK's spent almost every penny it had.
US starts telling everybody how it was all about them, & 64 years later is still doing so.
"Some of the World War II guys in 'Call of Duty' have, like, foreign accents... what's up with that?"

How twilght should have ended

Sarcasm

Human anatomy a 'mystery' to most with only 50pc of people know where their heart is

A study published in the medical journal BMC Family Practice said that despite better access to information many people did not know where the major organs were found.

Only a third were able to pinpoint the lungs, and the 722 people questioned only got half the answers right on average.

This was true even if they had a medical problem with the organ they were trying to identify.

Researchers from King's College London questioned patients at Kings, Guy's and St Thomas' hospitals in the capital, as well as members of the public.

A similar survey was carried out in 1970, but the results of the latest poll were no better than nearly forty years ago.

John Weinman, who led the study, said: "We thought that the improvements in education seen since then, coupled with an increased media focus on medical and health related topics, and growing access to the internet as a source of medical information, might have led to an increase in patients' anatomical knowledge. As it turns out, there has been no significant improvement in the intervening years."

The people questioned were shown drawings of a male or female body with organs shown in different positions, one of which was correct.

Some were easy, 85.9% could find the intestines and 80.7% knew where the bladder was. Women also performed better when looking at a female body.

Our lack of knowledge has implications for the way doctors should speak to patients, the researchers said.

The conclusion of the study said: "Health care professionals still need to take care in providing organ specific information to patients and should not assume that patients have this information, even for those organs in which their medical problem is located. The consultation may offer many opportunities for both checking and improving patients' knowledge."

You know you're living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

World's dumbest gangster

A would-be gangster shot himself in the crutch when his gun went off half cocked in his pocket.

Lukas Neuhardt, 27, had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany.

He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crutch in a bungled robbery.

But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact.

"Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said a police source.

Now - after surgeons stitched his manhood back together - he's facing up to three years in jail for breaching Germany's tough new anti gun laws.

KIILLED

Patrik Stefan Missing an Open Net

Not only does he miss an open net to win the game, everyone is so surprised by his miss that the other team easily scores with 4 seconds left in regulation. On the embarrassing scale, that ranks right up there with "Not being able to get it up for a prostitute who's actually an undercover NBC reporter taping a special."

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